How to Simulate Being in the Navy

More e-mails I get. Thanks Wally.

File this under the heading of "flashback funnies"

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, sweep down all lower decks, ladder backs and passageways, the fantail is open for the dumping of trash and garbage, sponson 6, port side"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before giving them to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one, every night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!

21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without checking the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a full meal or peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire..

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family man the podium for 4-hour intervals.
Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it at full throttle all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

Oldie but goodie

Sciatic has been nagging me the last couple weeks.

"A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you’re here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep", the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Laughter is still the best medicine.

2nd Amendment Saturday

Some more musings from Ol' Tom hisself,

"No Free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms."


Not a lot of words there.

Short. Sweet. Got a sharp point on it.

e-mails I get

The next time you feel like GOD can't use YOU, remember,

Noah was a drunk

Abraham was too old

Isaac was a daydreamer

Jacob was a liar

Leah was ugly

Joseph was abused

Moses had a stuttering problem

Gideon was afraid

Samson had long hair and was a womanizer

Rahab was a prostitute

Jeremiah and Timothy were too young

David had an affair and was a murderer

Elijah was suicidal

Isaiah preached naked

Jonah ran from God

Naomi was a widow

Job went bankrupt

John the Baptist ate bugs

Peter denied Christ

The Disciples fell asleep while praying

Martha worried about everything

The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once

Zaccheus was too small

Paul was too religious

Timothy had an ulcer...

And Lazarus was dead!

No more excuses now!! God can use you to your full potential. Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.

God bless. Pass this on to someone else, if you'd like.

There is NO LUCK attached.

If you delete this, it's okay:

God's Love Is Not Dependent On E-Mail.

2nd Amendment Saturday

Today, a word from ol' Tom hisself...

"A strong body makes a strong mind. As to the species of exercises, I advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind. Games played with the ball and others of that nature, are too violent for the body and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be the constant companion of your walks."

- Thomas Jefferson -

Walking her home

A bit of belated Valentine's Day stuff from church yesterday.

The Divine Miss M sang this song (by Mark Schultz).

"Walking Her Home"

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you'll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground

(Chorus)
He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

Ten more years and a waiting room
At half past one
And the doctor said come in and meet your son

His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he's got your eyes

And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night

(Chorus)

He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side

A nursing home
At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said Oh
Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out

When they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side

Oh he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Goofed up settings and over exposed it. The embedded microphone clips a lot too -- really flattens out her tone. Still futzing with this camera's settings...

It went well following a video clip on love/family relationships. Perhaps it was a bit out of step with my sermon that followed on "Making Disciples" but since Sunday was Feb 14...

Hopefully succeeded with a segue into the sermon by way of I Cor 11.

2nd Amendment Saturday

"The possession of arms is the distinction between a freeman and a slave. He, who has nothing, and who himself belongs to another, must be defended by him, whose property he is, and needs no arms. But he, who thinks he is his own master, and has what he can call his own, ought to have arms to defend himself, and what he possesses; else he lives precariously, and at discretion."

- James Burgh


Who, you may ask, was James Burgh?

From the Wiki

James Burgh (1714–1775) was a British Whig politician whose book Political Disquisitions set out an early case for free speech and universal suffrage: In it, he writes, "All lawful authority, legislative, and executive, originates from the people." He has ben judged "one of England's foremost propagandists for radical reform"[1].

Burgh also ran a dissenting academy and wrote on subjects such as educational reform. One of his first books was Thoughts on Education (1747).

Yeah, another Scotsman. Always stirring up some trouble, those Scots...

Got Spellcheck?

In Europe there was an old monastary which stored documents dating from the earliest times of Christianity. It was the job of the monks in this monastery to copy all of the documents to preserve them.

One day one of the newer monks realized something; the documents they were copying were in fact copies themselves. The young monk took his find to the Abbot. He pointed out that this meant that any mistakes that had been made copying the documents over the course of thousands of years would be preserved. He recommended that the original documents should be examined to see if any mistakes have been made.

The Abbot replied that this was a good idea and that he would go and check the originals that very day.

Later in the day the young monk went into the Abbots chamber and found him weeping over one of the ancient manuscripts. When the young monk asked what was wrong, the Abbot pointed at a single line of text on the paper in front of him.
"It says 'Celebrate'."

Speaking of poodleshooters...

...has me reminiscing about the AR varmint rig build the Son&Heir and I did last spring as a High School grad gift.

Lower completed. Kaiser Defense lower with Rock River 2 stage National Match trigger

Build completed. DPMS flattop upper with a 20" full floated varmint barrel, 1:9 twist.
The flip up sights were for his familiarization with iron sight install and zeroing. They came off after he learned the drill.

A Leopold VXIII 3.5x10 sits on it now. A 4x12 would prolly be a wee bit betta suited for this rigs intended use (P'dogs and 'yotes).

Grass week

Well the Son&Heir has moved on to Phase 2 of Marine Basic Training. That puts them up at Pendleton for the next 3 weeks for fun in the sun and the field. The first week is "Grass Week." They'll learn to shoot positions and dry fire all week. There may be an opportunity for live fire Friday, depending...

Let's see if being the son of a gun nut is any advantage for him.
He should be fine with the 5.56 poodle shooter. Here he is last summer with his .270.

Word o' the day

"Populist Constitutionalism"

This from Larrey Anderson – Sun Feb 7 at RealClearPolitics

So what makes the tea parties different? I have attended several local tea party gatherings (and addressed a couple of them). There is one document that is ubiquitous at these events: the Constitution for the United States of America.[iii] People hand out copies of the Constitution like hors d'oeuvres that are served at ... a de rigueur tea party...

"Populist Constitutionalism" - that's what the tea parties are all about. Love and respect for the Constitution is driving the movement. Sharing the document, and then discussing the meaning, purpose, and the ideas of the Constitution, that is the process that is taking place as a result of this love and respect.

read the whole thing...


If only Liberty Poles were so ubiquitous. /heh

Rules for (anti .gov) Radicals

John Hawkins Townhall column today lists "Ten Rules for Anti-Government Republican Radicals in D.C."

Here's the short version;

1) Always try to decentralize power as much as possible.
The further power is removed from the people, the less it serves them. That's why anti-government radicals should always look for ways to push power downhill. From the federal government to state governments, from state governments to local governments, from local governments to the people -- the more power that can be shifted away from the government towards the people, the better.

2) Earmarks are corruption...

3) The louder they scream "emergency," the more suspicious you should be...

4) There's always something to attack in a government program.
Everything government does is inevitably slow, stupid, and inefficient. That means there's always a big, juicy target for anti-government fighters to hit. Maybe the program costs more than a private program. Maybe the government employees are paid too much to do too little. Maybe there are special interests that will benefit. There's always something that can be used as a club against a government program you're trying to reform or kill...

5) The grassroots are your friend...

6) Tie everything back to how it helps the people...

7) We will never control spending unless we change the system.
Our current system is geared to politically reward spending and punish fiscal responsibility...

8) You've got to believe in your heart that Americans want responsible government...

9) We don't need new laws; we need reform...

10) It's better to kill a bad bill than improve it...

Read the whole thing

Redneck Palm Pilot

If you've seen the dust up over Palin's crib notes on her hand...

Gotta love her comeback.

Still a b-baller at heart. A bit of in your face, back at'cha good humored smack from the Sarahcuda.
link

Nevermind she's campaigning for Conservative Lite Rick Perry in the TX primary against the Tea Party conservative. grrrrr

Science Sunday

This from The Globe and Mail...

“The global warming movement as we have known it is dead,” the brilliant analyst Walter Russell Mead says in his blog on The American Interest. It was done in by a combination of bad science and
bad politics.”

entire summary article and obit

The Son&Heir started Phase 2 of Marine Basic Training this weekend. That means his Platoon got in buses and headed up to Pendleton for goodtimes on the rifle range and in the field.

As I look out the window at the San Diego (unseasonably cool) weather and El Nino-like rains I hope they're able to enjoy this little bit of global warming.

2nd Amendment Saturday

a little early this week...

"Thus, the peaceable part of mankind will be continually overrun by the vile and abandoned while they neglect the means of self-defense. The supposed quietude of a good man allures the ruffian; while on the other hand, arms like laws discourage and keep the invader and the plunderer in awe, and preserve order in the world, as well as property. The balance of power is the scale of peace. The same balance would be preserved were all the world destitute of arms, for all would be alike; but since some will not, others dare not lay them aside... Horrid mischief would ensue were one half the world deprived of the use of them;... the weak will become a prey to the strong. The history of every age and nation establishes these truths, and facts need but little arguments when they prove themselves."

- Thomas Paine (1737-1809)

My head hurts

What with a bit of a sinus thing happening this past week, a door half hung, brake job in the driveway on yet another vehicle and...

the stuff on the national scene that seemed to start a crescendo with the State of the Union and peaked with the announcement of a $1.6Trillion deficit, sustained campaign speechifying and whining by the TheWunWhoWon, and now the House voting to raise the debt ceiling another 1.9(?) Trillion...

My head hurts.

This blog thing is mostly a release for me. The past week or two? Not so much.

As a good friend and old supervisor used to say, "I picked a heck of a day to stop drinking."


/heh

Looking forward to being back for another "2nd Amendment Saturday" post. Maybe I can get that going as a regular thing. I've been enjoying reading bits and pieces of a collection of historic 2nd Amendment related writings published by the NRA as a 2nd Amendment Primer. Some good sound bites in there (or blog bits if you please).