A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $10."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK", said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that sand dune to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovelyrestaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the dune.
Several hours later the Taliban staggered back, almost dead and croaked through dry lips,
"Your brother won't let me in the restaurant without a tie!"
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Good Eats
A group of 40-year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should
meet for dinner...
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum
Lowen restaurant because the waitresses have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed
upon that they should go to the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is
very good and the wine selection is good also.
Ten years later at age 60, the group meets again and once again they
discuss and discuss where they should meet... and, finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat in peace
and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
A decade after, at 70 years of age, the group meets and once again
discuss and discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is
wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
Another ten years go by and at 80 years of age, the group meets again
and, after long discussions they decide to meet for dinner at the Gausthof
zum Lowen because that would be a great idea since they have never been
there before.
meet for dinner...
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum
Lowen restaurant because the waitresses have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed
upon that they should go to the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is
very good and the wine selection is good also.
Ten years later at age 60, the group meets again and once again they
discuss and discuss where they should meet... and, finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat in peace
and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
A decade after, at 70 years of age, the group meets and once again
discuss and discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is
wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
Another ten years go by and at 80 years of age, the group meets again
and, after long discussions they decide to meet for dinner at the Gausthof
zum Lowen because that would be a great idea since they have never been
there before.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
How to Simulate Being in the Navy
More e-mails I get. Thanks Wally.
File this under the heading of "flashback funnies"
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, sweep down all lower decks, ladder backs and passageways, the fantail is open for the dumping of trash and garbage, sponson 6, port side"
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before giving them to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one, every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without checking the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a full meal or peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire..
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family man the podium for 4-hour intervals.
Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it at full throttle all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
File this under the heading of "flashback funnies"
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, sweep down all lower decks, ladder backs and passageways, the fantail is open for the dumping of trash and garbage, sponson 6, port side"
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before giving them to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one, every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without checking the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a full meal or peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire..
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family man the podium for 4-hour intervals.
Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it at full throttle all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
Oldie but goodie
Sciatic has been nagging me the last couple weeks.
Laughter is still the best medicine.
"A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you’re here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep", the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Laughter is still the best medicine.
Friday, February 19, 2010
e-mails I get
The next time you feel like GOD can't use YOU, remember,
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...
And Lazarus was dead!
No more excuses now!! God can use you to your full potential. Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.
God bless. Pass this on to someone else, if you'd like.
There is NO LUCK attached.
If you delete this, it's okay:
God's Love Is Not Dependent On E-Mail.
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...
And Lazarus was dead!
No more excuses now!! God can use you to your full potential. Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.
God bless. Pass this on to someone else, if you'd like.
There is NO LUCK attached.
If you delete this, it's okay:
God's Love Is Not Dependent On E-Mail.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Got Spellcheck?
In Europe there was an old monastary which stored documents dating from the earliest times of Christianity. It was the job of the monks in this monastery to copy all of the documents to preserve them.
One day one of the newer monks realized something; the documents they were copying were in fact copies themselves. The young monk took his find to the Abbot. He pointed out that this meant that any mistakes that had been made copying the documents over the course of thousands of years would be preserved. He recommended that the original documents should be examined to see if any mistakes have been made.
The Abbot replied that this was a good idea and that he would go and check the originals that very day.
Later in the day the young monk went into the Abbots chamber and found him weeping over one of the ancient manuscripts. When the young monk asked what was wrong, the Abbot pointed at a single line of text on the paper in front of him.
"It says 'Celebrate'."
One day one of the newer monks realized something; the documents they were copying were in fact copies themselves. The young monk took his find to the Abbot. He pointed out that this meant that any mistakes that had been made copying the documents over the course of thousands of years would be preserved. He recommended that the original documents should be examined to see if any mistakes have been made.
The Abbot replied that this was a good idea and that he would go and check the originals that very day.
Later in the day the young monk went into the Abbots chamber and found him weeping over one of the ancient manuscripts. When the young monk asked what was wrong, the Abbot pointed at a single line of text on the paper in front of him.
"It says 'Celebrate'."
Friday, January 29, 2010
E-mails I get...
You might be in the aerospace industry if...
1. You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 8 different managers. Or have moved 10 times in two years and have never known who your boss was.
2. Your resume is on a jumpdrive in your pocket.
3. Someone asks you what you do for a living and you lie.
4. You get really excited about a 2% pay increase.
5. Your biggest loss from a system crash, is that you lose your best jokes.
6. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
7. Its dark on your drive to and from work.
8. Fun is when "projects" are assigned to someone else.
9. Communication is something your "group" is having problems with.
10. You see a good-looking person and know it's a visitor.
11. Free food left over from a meeting is your main staple.
12. All art involves a white board.
13. All real work is done prior to 8:00am and after 4:30pm.
14. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
15. Dilbert is your favorite cartoon.
16. Your boss's favorite lines are ...
"When you get a few minutes ..."
"I have an opportunity for you ..."
"Cross-charging is forbidden."
"...the directional truth in a white water world ..."
"We have a new culture that will enable us to ..."
"We have a new engineering vice-president."
"This reorganization will allow us to streamline our way of doing
business, becoming more competitive."
17. 99% of the people in your company do not know what you do.
18. 99% of the people in your company do not care what you do.
19. Vacation is something you rollover to next year, every January.
20. Change is the norm.
21. Nepotism is strongly encouraged.
22. Your company announces no pay increase because it is investing money in a new EZ Go electric cart for management.
23. Your company announces no pay increase because the airline industry is in a downturn. And your boss gets voted "man of the year in aerospace"
24. Your fear to fly is becoming even worse.
25. Everyone at the company says that without his work there would be no aircraft.
26. An ordinary secretary has more power than an engineer.
27. You read this entire list and understand it.
28. Not allowing firearms on company property is seen strictly as a suicide prevention measure.
29. The only people you forward this to are in aerospace too because no one else would understand!
1. You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 8 different managers. Or have moved 10 times in two years and have never known who your boss was.
2. Your resume is on a jumpdrive in your pocket.
3. Someone asks you what you do for a living and you lie.
4. You get really excited about a 2% pay increase.
5. Your biggest loss from a system crash, is that you lose your best jokes.
6. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
7. Its dark on your drive to and from work.
8. Fun is when "projects" are assigned to someone else.
9. Communication is something your "group" is having problems with.
10. You see a good-looking person and know it's a visitor.
11. Free food left over from a meeting is your main staple.
12. All art involves a white board.
13. All real work is done prior to 8:00am and after 4:30pm.
14. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
15. Dilbert is your favorite cartoon.
16. Your boss's favorite lines are ...
"When you get a few minutes ..."
"I have an opportunity for you ..."
"Cross-charging is forbidden."
"...the directional truth in a white water world ..."
"We have a new culture that will enable us to ..."
"We have a new engineering vice-president."
"This reorganization will allow us to streamline our way of doing
business, becoming more competitive."
17. 99% of the people in your company do not know what you do.
18. 99% of the people in your company do not care what you do.
19. Vacation is something you rollover to next year, every January.
20. Change is the norm.
21. Nepotism is strongly encouraged.
22. Your company announces no pay increase because it is investing money in a new EZ Go electric cart for management.
23. Your company announces no pay increase because the airline industry is in a downturn. And your boss gets voted "man of the year in aerospace"
24. Your fear to fly is becoming even worse.
25. Everyone at the company says that without his work there would be no aircraft.
26. An ordinary secretary has more power than an engineer.
27. You read this entire list and understand it.
28. Not allowing firearms on company property is seen strictly as a suicide prevention measure.
29. The only people you forward this to are in aerospace too because no one else would understand!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Irish Confessional
An Irishman walked into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There was a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall was a
dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest came in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied: "Get out. You're on my side."
There was a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall was a
dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest came in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied: "Get out. You're on my side."
Thursday, December 17, 2009
When Pigs Fly
Better start cruising Gunbroker.com for a suitable bear rifle. Ya know with the coming ice age and all that -- could be polar bears in the neighborhood before you know it. 
What's that ya say? Crazy talk?
Hey, anything's possible! People were saying the AGW movement would slow down when pigs have wings.
Well, there's pork in the treetops this morning!
This from a column by James Delingpole at the UK's Telegraph:
Read the whole article LINK
What's that ya say? Crazy talk?
Hey, anything's possible! People were saying the AGW movement would slow down when pigs have wings.
Well, there's pork in the treetops this morning!
This from a column by James Delingpole at the UK's Telegraph:
What the Russians are suggesting here, in other words, is that the entire global temperature record used by the IPCC to inform world government policy is a crock.
As Richard North says: This is serial.
Read the whole article LINK
Rhubard Monopoly?
Beginning with the Greeks, dried rhubarb root has been used medicinally - primarily as a laxative - for about 4,500 years. Russia had an early state monopoly of the rhubarb trade it had with China, and by 1638 had a Department of Rhubarb.
...read the whole article at Anchorage Daily News. LINK
A Dept of Rhubarb? Were there Rhubarb Robber Barons?
Q: Can the public visit the Experiment Farm in Palmer to view the different varieties grown there?
A: The rhubarb collection is part of the Arctic and Sub-arctic Plant Genetic Resources Unit. They have more than 300 rhubarb plants encompassing 64 varieties growing there from all over the United States and Europe this year. It is maintained by the U. S. Department of Agriculture's Agricultural Research Service. This is a research project to try to save our food plants for posterity. The public can't roam through the fields, so someone would have to escort visitors.
64 varieties? 64! Who knew...
I'm sure there's some tasty rhubarb puns in there. Or at least some bittersweet humor.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Words o' wisdom from a friend
Speaking of e-mails I get, this just in...
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night..
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night..
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Skilz...
...for the Obamazombie Apocalypse.
Grow a better tomato
Make your own warm clothing (for when all the zombie sheep are gone).
h/t Gunnie Librarian, Breda (not Marian)
Clean and butcher game
(or bald pets no longer useful for yarn production)
Grow a better tomato
Make your own warm clothing (for when all the zombie sheep are gone).
h/t Gunnie Librarian, Breda (not Marian)
Clean and butcher game
(or bald pets no longer useful for yarn production)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Dog for sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Heavenly medical care
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Costs of Defensive Medicine
A woman brought a very limp duck to the veterinary. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away.."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away.."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
How to...?
Something Paw Paw wrote recently about deer hunting got me to recalling...
Question:
How do you get peanut off the roof of your mouth?
Answer:
You can lick it off. (nunghh, nughh, nuuggnggh -- nope)
You can blow it off. (huccch, huccch, huccch, spittle flying -- nope)
Or you can scraaaaaape it off with your finger. (yep -- eeewwww!!!)
Short, sweet and for my money and sensibilities still a great summer camp skit. They just don't write 'em that good any more. No?
Yeah, I know, I know. Humor me, will ya? Chalk it up to Monty Python poisoning at an early age.
PawPaw's House: Extreme Addiction
Question:
How do you get peanut off the roof of your mouth?
Answer:
You can lick it off. (nunghh, nughh, nuuggnggh -- nope)
You can blow it off. (huccch, huccch, huccch, spittle flying -- nope)
Or you can scraaaaaape it off with your finger. (yep -- eeewwww!!!)
Short, sweet and for my money and sensibilities still a great summer camp skit. They just don't write 'em that good any more. No?
Yeah, I know, I know. Humor me, will ya? Chalk it up to Monty Python poisoning at an early age.
PawPaw's House: Extreme Addiction
Friday, October 9, 2009
It's 5 o'clock somewhere
Don't intend to stumble anyone by broaching this subject before 1700hrs on a Friday, but...
An old school chum asked about the etymology of the word "cocktail" on Facebook today.
Seems apropos of this day that is both Friday and the day when another worthy Nobel Peace prize winner was announced. A man who some might think of a as a bit Peacock.
Cocktail. Peacock. Get it? oh well...
Is it fair to compare him to a peacock? Being that peacocks are the ultimate narcissists? Oh well, sometimes you just have to
Back to the subject at hand...
From the May 13, 1806, edition of the Balance and Columbian Repository:
“Cocktail is a stimulating liquor composed of spirits of any kind, sugar, water, and bitters — it is vulgarly called a bittered sling and is supposed to be an excellent ... Read Moreelectioneering potion, inasmuch as it renders the heart stout and bold, at the same time that it fuddles the head. It is said, also to be of great use to a Democratic candidate: because a person, having swallowed a glass of it, is ready to swallow anything else.”
An old school chum asked about the etymology of the word "cocktail" on Facebook today.
Seems apropos of this day that is both Friday and the day when another
Cocktail. Peacock. Get it? oh well...
Is it fair to compare him to a peacock? Being that peacocks are the ultimate narcissists? Oh well, sometimes you just have to
Back to the subject at hand...
From the May 13, 1806, edition of the Balance and Columbian Repository:
“Cocktail is a stimulating liquor composed of spirits of any kind, sugar, water, and bitters — it is vulgarly called a bittered sling and is supposed to be an excellent ... Read Moreelectioneering potion, inasmuch as it renders the heart stout and bold, at the same time that it fuddles the head. It is said, also to be of great use to a Democratic candidate: because a person, having swallowed a glass of it, is ready to swallow anything else.”
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